JERUSALEM -- A burst hemorrhoid caused trouble at the Church of the Holy Sepulcher this week when a man who wanted to be cleansed of his anal affliction rubbed his naked bottom a little too vigorously on a slab of rock that Jesus is believed by some to have been laid and resurrected on.
Spawned by reports of believers in Portugal being healed by exposing their bare behinds to the statue of a local saint, hemorrhoid-suffering Christians in Jerusalem have been flocking to the tombs of Jesus to rub their bums on various rocks, hoping to be cured like the people in Portugal.
Others, like 35-year-old Shem Kalim, a Muslim convert to Christianity, traveled to Jerusalem from England after hearing the voice of Jesus one day during an especially painful episode of constipation which caused his hemorrhoids to flare up.
"I tried praying to Allah to cure my problem, but He didn't seem to be listening to me. They actually got worse the more I prayed to Allah about them. I heard about the people in Portugal being healed by Jesus, so I decided to cry out to Jesus instead of Allah one day while I was straining on the toilet, and a small quiet voice which was booming at the same time said to me:
"GO TO MY TOMB IN JERUSALEM AND BE HEALED."
"That was all the voice said to me at first and I believe it was Jesus talking to me," Kalim said. "I took the first flight out of London and got settled into a nice hotel in Jerusalem and inquired about the tomb of Jesus and found out there are two of them in town."
"There was the garden Jesus tomb, and the one in the Church of the Holy Sepulcher. I never heard the voice say anything about two tombs, so I was a bit confused. Out of habit, I tried praying to Allah, but I got no answer, so I went into the bathroom and prayed to Jesus while I was doing my business, and all of the sudden I got another unmistakable answer, just like I did back in London."
"The voice told me that the garden tomb is just a fake, and that I should go to the Church of the Holy Sepulcher and rub my swollen hemorrhoids on the slab of rock where He was risen from."
"That was all the incentive I needed, so I headed on down to the Church of the Holy Sepulcher, and pulled down my pants and sat down on the rock slab where Jesus was resurrected."
"I was rubbing my arse pretty hard on the rock when one of my hemorrhoids burst open and blood spilled out all over the place. The relief was immediate and there was no more pressure or pain. It was truly a miracle from Jesus," Kalim said.
Other Christians in Jerusalem prayed to Jesus as well, but they received a different message, and were told to go to the garden tomb, and rub their bottoms on different rocks in the garden to get rid of their hemorrhoids.
Some Christians in Jerusalem pour water on the rocks and then suck it up in syringes or in sponges and drink it and rub it on themselves. Some even claim to inject it into their veins to get a sudden "burst of life," and claim that the Christians who are rubbing their anuses on the rocks and risking blood or feces getting on the rocks are committing a major sin.
"Jesus wouldn't want blood from hemorrhoids getting all over his tomb. He probably wouldn't even like naked bottoms in his tomb either," they said.
"It's one thing to pour water on the rocks and use the water, but rubbing one's naked rear end on the rocks is completely out of line. Let those people just moon the rocks instead of actually making contact with them."
Israeli officials are worried if they let Christians rub their rear ends against rocks in the tombs of Jesus, it might lead to people rubbing them against the Wailing Wall, and they say they're not willing to put up with that.
"They could just be pretending to get their hemorrhoids cured while actually defecating on the Holy Wall just to desecrate or mock it," they said. "Some people put notes to God in cracks in the wall, and if someone came along and rubbed their bare bottom around the same crack and note, it would certainly upset those who put the notes into the cracks."